About 10 years ago I was very happy to keep my personal life separate from work, especially in terms of my past history of gender transition; I had been raised as a boy, and as a teenager began the process of visible change to socially represent myself authentically as a woman.

My preference was to let go of the past, and focus on the future.

I was a very private person, and preferred to discuss common interests like science and movies. In most cases, I would only disclose personal information to someone I was dating, if I felt ready to trust them with the information.

On one of these occasions, the reaction was very bad, and my personal information was broadcast on social media in a very negative way. This situation caused me to be the topic of gossip in my social life, and at work. Sometimes this gossip caused people at work to approach me and ask me very personal questions.

I had a strong negative emotional response every time my gender history was brought up. This was especially heightened when I was relaxed.

It felt like a reminder that people saw me as different to them, and separated me from other women. It reminded me of the struggle to be understood and accepted. It also reminded me that my trust had been broken, and I had been disempowered by having my personal information broadcast without my consent, through very negative language.

Each time someone approached me, it made me feel a little worse; the negative feelings associated with all the previous occurrences were accumulating. Finally it happened while I was relaxed, drinking socially with colleagues after work.

This combination proved explosive; I became upset and angry, speaking aggressively to my colleague about how the situation made me feel. It took considerable work on both sides to repair the professional relationship.

My advice

Something that I learned from this situation, is that relatively small, repeated behaviours can have a powerful impact. In this case, it was repeated negative situations that ended with a very negative impact.

I remind myself of this situation for three reasons. Firstly, to identify and call out upsetting behaviour earlier, i.e., before it is able to escalate to have a severe impact.

Secondly, to ensure that I am not a part of a similar scenario for someone else.

Finally, to think of ways I can use this same concept in a positive way; for example, affirming other people's achievements or values.